new rules

Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it's as simple as A-B-C. "Always Be Closing." First prize: subpoena power in the new Congress. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize: you're fired.

The election is four days away and I'm through dicking around with you. Here are the leads. Here are your talking points.

One: when they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say, "We have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden." In just six years, the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics. That's just called, "Don't be Michael Jackson."

Two: When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say, "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream." He inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.

Three: When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeat-ocrat," you say, "Bush lost the war. Period." All this nonsense - this nonsense about "the violence is getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election"; no, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee's. And of course Democrats want to win. But that's impossible now that you've ethnically-cleansed the place by making it unlivable. Just like you did with New Orleans.

Four: When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, you say, "You're completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of shit." If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare! That's how I would feel supported. So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're welcome." Sometimes, good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne had offered to sing? So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers.

There's your talking point. Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor. A retarded, child emperor-but an emperor.

So, Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and close! And it's not about slogans this time. Although, when it comes to slogans, the only one I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is, "The Republican Party: We're Sorry."